Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Freak-Out Mode

The pic has nothing to do with anything, other than the fact that I am sustained by caffeine and nicotine at the moment. I'm actually freaking out! The start of October has marked the start of the new fiscal year for the Navy, and John has continued to drop weight like mad! So next week, he is supposed to negotiate the nitty gritty with the recruiter and plan a date for MEPS.

As for me, I cannot get this sinking feeling to go away. You know the feeling that something is about to happen that you need to stop, but can't?

Well, this is the frame of mind I am in right now, at this very moment. If I am gonna interfere with John's re-enlistment, now is the time to do it. The problem is that I cannot tell the difference between my fear of the unknown and authentic this-is-not-a-good-choice judgement. Until I can tell the difference, I just feel as if it is my job to not interfere with my man's career choice. Instead, I should just be supporting him. I am afraid my entire world is going to be thrown into a state of complete disarray, which is not a good feeling for a Type-A personality like myself. What about my job? Is someone really going to come forward and help me watch my son for 12 hours a night, Friday though Sunday? Are there sane individuals who will voluntarily surrender their entire weekend in order to watch my son? Furthermore, I don't know how long I have to plan all of this, as we do not have any definite dates, or even a ballpark figure.

Stupid video games are not helping improve my state of mind.

Here lately, my dear JohnJohn has been playing the Medal of Honor series. I watch him and wonder if he is going to be okay. His response when I tell him I am worried is "Oh My GOD, Andrea, a video game is not real life, for crying out loud! I will be fine." After all, despite what he has told his parents, he is most likely going into a combat situation. Does he still have the instinct of when to duck and when to make sure he covers all of his sides? I know I am most likely being stupid, but there is something about people shooting at a character on a game that brings this fear to the surface, and it all unnerves me quite a good deal.

And then there is You Tube....

This is a pretty big problem for me at the moment. I recently compared it to driving past an auto accident and feeling an invisible force pulling your head to look as you pass. I cannot stop myself. So I watch the videos people submit. I have wept over videos of service men and women leaving families to go on deployment, and also of them returning home. The worst was the clip of a Sailor returning home and surprising his six-year-old kid in school, and the little boy's reaction. Hey, my kid is six!

Then there is the actual combat footage of stuff being blown to bits. I watched one the other day that had the "graphic" warning on it. I didn't pay that any mind, as anything that involves the firing of any type of weapon is labeled as such. But this one was REALLY GRAPHIC! I mean gruesome. It wouldn't have bothered me, as in my line of work, I have been involved in may traumas. But as a wife who is preparing to ship off the love of her life, I had a problem with it. The only factor that helped was the fact that it was the bad guys' blood, not our boys'. But still, it made me fear for the emotional well-being of my husband. After all, how can you observe that daily and maintain a grasp on sanity?

Okay. the kid is begging me for breakfast, so I must scoot. Besides, I need a coffee refill.

1 comment:

mom2five said...

Okay I just found your blog and read this post and wanted to tell you "hang in there!" My husband is an Army veteran, and we went through the whole "I should reenlist" thing. Granted I got lucky because we had too many kids! I'm around alot if you ever want to chat.