Worried

Today is the day I am taking Evan to meet with the psychologist to get to the bottom of the trouble in school. I am terified to hear her say that I am a bad mother, that somehow I am to blame for this. I love my son enough that I can tolerate the pointing of fingers if it means his life will be better. But this gets my thoughts going on how we, as parents, are not given instructions on how to raise our children to be responsible and competent adults. Sure, we can read the research by child psychology experts and pediatricians. But they come with no guaruntee. When I was a young child, corporal punishment was the way to go. Part of what kept me in line was the idea of going to the principal's office for a paddling. Of course I never had to, but the fear was there. And now? Parents aren't even supposed to spank their children, let alone the staff of his or her school. So how do we know that, years down the road, the techniques and research and methods invoilved in disciplining our children will not turn out to be a no-no as well?

And then there is the guilt. What if this is not a discipline problem at all? What if this is something psychological and/or physiological? I have been grounding little Evan and taking away his priviledges for some time when he acts up in school. But what if he cannot help it?

The whole thing just breaks my heart. As a healthcare professional, I know that mental illness is the same as being sick in the way we traditionally think of " being sick". But the stigma of it, even after all we know, doesn't even escape me. I just cannot get over the fact that I am taking my son to a psychologist. Therapy bills aren't supposed to rack up until after I have screwed him up for 18 years. How bad am I that we are having to start now?